Contemplating Death

For the first time in my life I came face to face with the idea of death.  My life flashed before my eyes in an array of scenes of my children confused and crying, husband living without me, my family and friends mourning, my dreams turning into a raisin in the sun.  Fear gripped my chest so hard that I thought I was manifesting a heart attack.  The thought of not being around to see my children grow into well balanced successful individuals made me spiritually nauseous.  I’m way too young to die!  I don’t know what 40 looks like!  I just found love!  I’m not rich yet! I haven’t sold 100 million copies of my books! I haven’t traveled the world.  I haven’t cured the world of one of its ills!  I haven’t started a spiritual revolution!  I had always imagined myself old with gray hair and wrinkles placed strategically so that my youthful beauty was still a lingering shadow.

This unfathomable fear began when I felt a lump on my neck and decided to go to the emergency room because of uncomfortable pressure.  I thought I was simply having an allergic reaction to a late snack but unbeknownst to me I had a cyst lurking inside my neck like a swatter.  The news made me nervous but I had no fear because the doctor said it was not harmful and he would just drain it. 

They admitted me to the hospital.  I wasn’t happy about that and I needless to say the night was a sleepless one.  The only comfort I had was my husband spooning me in the hospital bed.

The next morning my mother brought my children.  Their presence made me feel better.  Soon it was operation time.  I was informed that there was another cyst present.  It was not a bubble of liquid like its brother, it was another entity entirely.  Complex and foreboding, this one earned a biopsy.  Biopsy equals the prospect of cancer. CANCER!!!!! What? Who me? Not me? Can’t be! I’m immortal! LOL

The procedure was quick and virtually painless.  My doctor was nice but needed a course in sensitivity training.  She informed me in a nonchalant tone, “Don’t worry, the worst possible scenario is cancer.”  My eyes almost popped out of my head.  I kept my cool since she had a needle in my neck so I just smiled and uttered another prayer up to heaven.

Later that day, another doctor came in to discharge me.  He informed me that my results wouldn’t be in a few days but the in-house pathologists confirmed through his cell evaluation that….EVERYTHING IS ABSOLUTELY NORMAL. Whew!  My life stopped flashing before my eyes and the vision of my future gray hair and crooked smile took its place back in the forefront of my mind.  Life is for the living.  No more contemplating death.