Shaping My View of Sexuality

              It seems as if everything I knew about sexuality was based on television themes and myths!  I grew up in a home where sex was never the topic of conversation.  Everything I learned about the nature of sexuality was seen on television, heard about at school or in the neighborhood, or saw in a movie.  Every now and then I caught glimpses of my older sisters kissing a boy or my older brother watching a girl cross the street with lust drunk eyes. So sexuality, although it felt natural for me, was something I could not put my finger on.

            Soap opera sexuality, where sex and love were interchangeable, was always full of drama and dysfunction.  Black people in movies always separated love from sex.  Love was always trying and hard but sexuality was easy, hot and steamy.  White love/sexuality in movies and TV seemed to be limitless, timeless, and dreamy.  It was raw and natural, beautiful and full of passion.  So TV/movie sexuality flowered within my imagination and I became a zebra and took the best of both themes and images and constructed a fantastic sexual character for myself.  I felt that if I could be a virginal vixen with wanton eyes and an innocent smile with a sultry walk and a tomboy air and a sex kitten appeal while being one of the boys, I would have the perfect combination for pure female sexuality.

            The myths of Hollywood shaped me from an early age.  However, the filthy gutter talk of school hallways and naughty boys slapping my butt and running contributed the additional tidbits I learned regarding sexuality.  

            The sexuality of other kids and teens always had a dirty air about it.  It was always a twisted set of information that made you think of sex as something wild and nasty.  It always seemed to be something great for boys and horrible for girls.  Boys became superheroes after sex when girls simply became hos.  It was a double edged sword.  A girl wanted her sexuality to be embraced but not too much for fear of being seen as loose.

I wanted a combination of Hollywood and street sexuality; to have a natural power to seduce and charm.  But what I didn’t realize at the time was that sexuality was more than seduction and sex appeal.  It is the intricate potent power that flows through every human being naturally.  It is who you are as a woman or man and the natural way that you interact with others.  It is something that can not be learned or copied from television.  It is within you and the things that you do.

            Breaking through preconceived notions helped me to find my true essence. I am a better woman for it.  I have learned to harness the power from within me and to seek balance in my life.  Now I know when to subdue my animal and when to roar like the conquering feline I am. I learned that sex isn't a subject worth emphasizing but a normal healthy part of life like eating and breathing.  Sexuality is a divine gift that should flow naturally through each person and a sacred gift that should only shared with those deserving.