Shaping my Spirituality

          When I was a child, my ideas about God were often confusing.  I knew God was good and kind but the concept of Jesus dying on the cross bothered me.  I thought it was a barbarous thing and I didn’t understand why God needed to kill someone to save people.  The cross was a symbol of fear and humiliation.  I used to lock myself in the bathroom during Easter time just to avoid those Jesus of Nazareth movies.  I couldn’t stand the pictures in the bible and visiting Wheat Street Baptist Church in downtown Atlanta (where the crucifixion scene is three stories high and painted on black velvet in the front of the sanctuary) made me feel like I was a vampire taking a bath in holy water.  Seeing that image gave me a cruel image of God and humanity and it bothered me.  Most of my nightmares involved being in the presence of God or being crucified.  It wasn’t until I was an adult that I had a better understanding of sacrifice and the giving of ones life as opposed to the taking of it.  I had to talk to God often then many of my fears subsided.  Now I fear God in reverence not horror and the teachings of Jesus the Christ are a fundamental part of my being. 

            The idea that God is good all the time seems ludicrous to me.  That’s all my church and family would say but what I have witnessed of the world makes me doubt that.  I discovered that I had no problem with God being in control of all things.  God created all things so God has to encompass all things or at least be aware that they occur.  If God is sovereign, that means God commissions both good and evil.  Therefore, if God grants freewill, there has to a choice to do good or evil.

              Another dominate theme with my developing spirituality is the presence of spirits.  I am a person who feels things and dream things and I am not sure how that fit in with the concept of God that I had been taught because what I know and what I learn contradict each other often and I know that this world is a lot more complex than most pretend.  The church never really explained strange happenings.  Some Christians claim anything spiritual that they don't understand has to be the product of the devil but I don't agree with that.  The only conclusion I have reached is that the spiritual world is highly complex and there is so much we material beings will never understand. 

            I am a Christian but many of my spiritual feelings do not agree with mainstream Christianity.  I also feel that God reveals God-self to all of humanity therefore religion is of very little importance.  Don't get me wrong, I do not believe in idolatry or any faith that does not honor God as sole creator and sustainer of all things.  But I do not believe that God can be confined within the walls of a building or within man-made doctrines.  God can not be contained within anything.  

           I also believe that science and God compliment one another not eliminate one another.  Science is a gift from God.  We are divine creatures and God wants us to learn and discover the miracle of the world God made...

            I am still being shaped.  A matter of fact, I am just being formed so I am still learning, seeking, and finding my way.  When I have a new epiphany, I'll let you know.  Until then, love hard and live free!  Seek God and you will find God.